god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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