ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
