Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
