Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
