pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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