every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
