i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
