Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i've created a new STD.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
