I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
