I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
