My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
