i wish my penis had a tongue
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
