you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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