so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
