thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
