Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
