We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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