Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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