she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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