I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
