We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
