sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
