I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
