What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
