You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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