the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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