i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I wear drunk well.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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