no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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