im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
