So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
