I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
