Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
