I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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