i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
