yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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