i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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