You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
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I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
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I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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