I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
