i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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