I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
