hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
