UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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