Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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