True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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