I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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