i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
