bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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