Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
