I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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