What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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