So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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