I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
