K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
