Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
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Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
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im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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