I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
How many fucks given?
0.12846
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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