I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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