I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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